Need help from Jalops

"waymoe" (waymoe)
10/23/2013 at 15:01 • Filed to: None

Hello and greetings to you it is Waymoe. Some of you like me and some of you do not like me, because you don’t understand me but we are the same you and I, but I am in need of your assistance. I did not thought I would have to ask you for help but I need it. As you know I am from France and I just completed moving to America, a nice place in San Bernardino. I can not drive an automatic car, I do not know how. There are only two pedals and if I move the stick everything catches fire and the car grinds a lot. I have a hard time on hills, I do not know what to do with my feet, I only need 1 of them but cutting off the other one would be dumb because when I leave the car I need both of them and what if I go back to Europe I will need them to drive the standard cars we have there.

I drive with one hand on the wheel and one hand on the shifting stick but I do not need to shifting anymores and I do not know what to do with my hand it just kind of lays there like your mom I am sorry. It is very hard, I do not like driving automatic and I do not want to learn but I have to. I know that a lot of you here are from Europe and hate automatic cars and only drive racing speeds and use apexs and helmets but please help me. I am just trying to drive to the work so I can make money for more mods on my car, specifically brighter headlamps and a custom gauge background. If you have any advice I will listen to it, I am just trying to fit in with americans and drive an automatic car because I know all americans hate cars and aren’t true car people especially if they drive a Toyota. You know what the saying is, when in America…

Teach me to drive automatic.

DISCUSSION (31)

ddavidn > waymoe
10/23/2013 at 15:04

Oh, you're supposed to use the other hand for holding your phone and texting.

Disclaimer: DO NOT DO THIS.

Ex. President Mack41 > waymoe
10/23/2013 at 15:05

The culture shock must be something, good thing you're French and used to a good culture

Kinja'd!!!

Lets Just Drive > waymoe
10/23/2013 at 15:06

When in America, drive a manual frenchie.

I get what you're aiming for, with this post, but you've fairly missed the mark. It is not as though you cannot find a stick-shift, it just takes a little more effort then finding one with a white flag on shouting, "Merde! I surrender (monkey)!"

And if you're talking about rental cars, well, you're just beyond hope.

Just a heads up, Waymoe, this kind of baiting is pretty common place on the FP, but if you're coming around Oppo with your "American Cars Are..." troll, you won't get much traction.

Good luck just the same.

feather-throttle-not-hair > waymoe
10/23/2013 at 15:07

So...wait, are you asking for advice about what type of car to buy? Because if you're here in America, there are some pretty interesting options that you probably couldn't get away with in Europe. Hell, any time I travel I try to drive some local cars and just get a feel for how things are different.

And yes, here in America, there are lots of A/T transmissions and lots of boring straight roads, but there are plenty of hidden gems and twisty roads as well. If you're looking for a car let us know how much you're trying to spend and i'm sure we can find something fun in your price range. And hopefully stay away from any toyotas.

And welcome to America!

GhostZ > waymoe
10/23/2013 at 15:07

If fitting in is your goal, gain 100 lbs, buy everything in bulk, and eat only yellow, red, and brown-colored food.

TheOnelectronic > waymoe
10/23/2013 at 15:08

A friend of mine legitimately can't drive automatics, because she's only ever driven a manual civic.

"I can't get your car out of park!"

"Are you pressing the brake?"

"No! Why would I do that if I want to move!?"

waymoe > Lets Just Drive
10/23/2013 at 15:08

You know nothing of me

505Turbeaux > waymoe
10/23/2013 at 15:08

had to

Kinja'd!!!

PatBateman > Ex. President Mack41
10/23/2013 at 15:09

He's probably used to surrendering and begging for help from Americans too. Thus is why we're at this point.

Lets Just Drive > waymoe
10/23/2013 at 15:10

Not true.

I know you're a Frenchist and that you've moved to the 'States and that you, wrongly, think everyone in America drives an automatic.

See, I know something of you.

desertdog5051 > waymoe
10/23/2013 at 15:10

Go to the junkyard and get a used shifter. Bolt it to the console or hump and move it as you would if you were driving a stick. Use your left foot to depress a large hunk of foam. Problem solved. You can thank me later.

CalzoneGolem > waymoe
10/23/2013 at 15:10

You put one foot out the window and one hand on your junk.

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > waymoe
10/23/2013 at 15:11

Get an automatic that is four wheel drive with shift-on-the-fly. It is a car that you will immediately be able to drive, because even though there is no clutch pedal you can constantly switch between two gears suitable for many different speeds. Also, not having a clutch pedal just means it is like a car with an automatic clutch from France, so have someone install a little flag that will drop and raise again every time the transfer case shifts. That way you will be driving at one of two excellent speeds all the time with lots of gear stuff not happening (because you just put the auto stick in "1" or "L"), and no Americans who like and expect autos will notice a thing. You should then tell everybody you are originally from California, because that is what they will expect. Even in other places like Wisconsin.

The best part about a four wheel drive vehicle is that if the correct headlights are installed it will be tall enough so that no drivers will be surprised by you behind them. They will helpfully see your lights in the mirrors. Also, most four wheel drives are not Toyotas. It may even be clever to get a Hummer H3. A perfect car for California, and looks completely American.
As for your other foot, you can put it outside the window and stay cool on any days it is hot, or maybe have a warm 12V powered foot bath inside any days it is cold. Everything will be perfect.

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > Lets Just Drive
10/23/2013 at 15:13

Wait, you're not familiar with waymoe? Author of the "the SMART is the perfect successor to the Panther platform" post?
Think less "troll" and more "performance artist".

Ex. President Mack41 > waymoe
10/23/2013 at 15:14

Seriously though, First go like this

Kinja'd!!!

spin around - stop!

Kinja'd!!!

Double-take three times... one, two, three.

Kinja'd!!!

Then... pelvic thrust!

Kinja'd!!!

Woo! Woo! Stop on your right foot - Don't forget it!

Kinja'd!!!

Now it's time to bring it around town. Bring it around town!

Kinja'd!!!

Then you do this,

Kinja'd!!!

and that,

Kinja'd!!!

this

Kinja'd!!!

and that,and this and that, and then...

Kinja'd!!!

Yowen - not necessarily not spaghetti and meatballs > waymoe
10/23/2013 at 15:15

So... What's your question? What kind of automatic to buy?

505Turbeaux > Ex. President Mack41
10/23/2013 at 15:15

I think I am signing you up to write the next drivers ed manual

Ex. President Mack41 > RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht
10/23/2013 at 15:15

+1, he's the best. AROUND. NOTHING'S EVER GONNA KEEP HIM DOWN

You can tell a Finn but you can't tell him much > waymoe
10/23/2013 at 15:16

I'm American, so I don't know geography and have no idea what this San Bernardino is that you speak of. But since you can't buy a manual car in the US I would suggest a bro-truck. You need to find some large pipe to stick up in the bed and route the exhaust to, and put big tires on it and a lift kit. What you do with your feet is rest the left one on the brake lightly and use the other one for the gas. The foot resting on the brake should only touch it just enough to turn on the brake lights, but not so much as to really engage the brakes, otherwise the pads will get worn out quickly and you'll stop really fast when the metal parts of the brakes clamp together. Since you don't want to have the one hand on the shifter you will need to do something with it so it doesn't touch the shifter. Some people when they are quitting smoking will eat carrot sticks or celery to give their hands something to do besides hold a cigarette. Maybe you could take up celery eating and that would keep your hand busy. So now you can drive an automatic transmission bro-truck, welcome to America.

Lets Just Drive > RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht
10/23/2013 at 15:18

No, no.

Oh. That guy.

I only wish it were true.

waymoe > RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht
10/23/2013 at 15:18

Dont forget my analysis of Forumla 1

Lets Just Drive > Ex. President Mack41
10/23/2013 at 15:18

I bet AIDS could keep him down. Yeah, I favor AIDS as a solution.

Ex. President Mack41 > 505Turbeaux
10/23/2013 at 15:19

It will be nothing but Fresh Prince gifs. And it will be good.

Kinja'd!!!

505Turbeaux > Ex. President Mack41
10/23/2013 at 15:23

if there isn't a post titled, Drivers Ed 101 as Explained by Carlton and the Fresh Prince by the end of the week...there will be blood :) If that isnt post fodder I am a donkey

Ex. President Mack41 > 505Turbeaux
10/23/2013 at 15:25

Well I needed something to do on Friday...

505Turbeaux > Ex. President Mack41
10/23/2013 at 15:30

Excellent!

Kinja'd!!!